Goodbye

August 9, 2013

Goodbye.  One simple word that we say a hundred times a day in one way or another.  Yet, it is a word with so much potential emotion that we rarely feel.  Our kids and everyone around them felt the full weight of goodbye on Thursday morning.  The staff who found them, loved them, protected them, raised them, and nurtured them as well as any parent would finally came to the day they all had prayed for; a day to let them go.  The other children at the orphanage who had shared life in everyway imaginable with our kids and come to love them as brothers and sisters, had to give their tearful hugs and wave goodbye from the gate without any guarantee of seeing one another again.  It was a rich, beautiful, difficult morning.  We cry when we feel the loss of something dear.  We cry when we have been loved deeply.  We cry because we were not made for a world that requires goodbyes and our hearts ache for a permanent resting place.  Tears are a gift and great reminder that this world is not our home and that our relationships here are only a dim reflection of what we will one day find in Christ himself.  But, while we live here we do cry as many did Thursday morning.   The eldest cried quietly to herself staring out the window of the van.  The middle didn’t say a word but silently lay across the back seat of the van and the youngest chatted and giggled wondering why everyone was crying.  (It did provide a bit of levity amidst all the goodbyes.)  To all those who have been part of the last three years of caring for our children:  Thank You!  In the short time we have spent with them it is so obvious how deeply they have been loved.  They are so full of life, energy, ideas, and laughter.  There has been so much healing that has taken place at your hands and I cannot thank you, staff from the orphanage, for all that you poured into our kids.  Where one might expect to see fear and bitterness in these kids, I find only a desire to be loved and a great capacity for loving!  The verse from 1 John 4 comes to mind about perfect love casting out fear….and you all have done that so well.  You love well, not just because you are great at caring for kids (which you are), but because you love the children in your care with the love of Christ and that changes hearts and lives.  Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!  May God give you strength and wisdom as you continue to pour out that same love on those who remain in your care and all the little ones yet to enter your doors.  Our prayers are with you!  

First Full Day Together

August 8^th

Its 3:00 a.m. here on one of the many beautiful islands in the Philippines.  Exhaustion doesn’t seem to be enough to keep me asleep.  My body must be thoroughly confused.  So, I am tucked away writing from the bathroom or CR (comfort room as they call it here) as the rest of the family is sleeping.  I can hear a baby crying somewhere and a rooster who forgot to check his clock is crowing, but that’s not why I am awake.  I’m not sure why I’m awake, but its quiet and I am alone.  I have talked to the LORD about everything I can think of, so I thought I would try writing for a bit. 

The last thirty-six hours have been filled to overflowing.  We met our children Tuesday evening.  Yesterday (Wednesday) was our day to soak up their world.  We ate their food, shared their playtime, met their friends and tried to follow their routine, although I think our very presence here threw everything off.  I went to classes here with the children and collected all their schoolwork and art projects. 

The children are full of life and fun personalities that we are getting to know.  Paul seems to have a new shadow.  She is about 3.5 feet tall with pigtails and pink flip-flops.  If she isn’t busy catching bugs (yes she will fit in well the our boys) or chasing with the other children, she is on Paul’s lap, in his arms, jumping on his back or calling to him from across the yard.  Her big brother and Reuben seemed to have hit it off quite well.  Kicking a soccer ball, racing on a bike, navigating an ipad or climbing a tree appear to be initial points of bonding.  Big sister is smart, alert, affectionate and engaging.   She watches out for the younger two and is helpful, but doesn’t hover. 

Reuben has done beautifully with all of it.  He traveled for four days straight only to find himself far from his backyard and comfort zone.  Yet, he has demonstrated such joy, love, gentleness, humility and self-control.  I believe he is being sustained by God’s grace through the Spirit, via your prayers and for that I am deeply grateful.  Exhaustion and tears set in for him finally around 7:00 p.m. last night (I was waiting for that to happen).  Like his mommy, he needs a bit of quiet space now and again, and hasn’t had that for days.  But, with the tears came a little quiet time with Mom and one final grace for his day – Sleep!

Now if I could get some of that particular grace….but maybe the grace of time with Jesus and time with a pen and paper was a grace more needed for today.  

Arrival at Orphanage & Meeting Our Children!!

August 7, 2013

What do you do when you watch the car ferry draw close to the shore of the island that holds children that you have never met? 

            Stand. Wait. Watch. Wonder. Pray.

What do you do when the van finally starts rumbling down the bumpy road and then finally slows and turns into the house that holds the children you have never met?        

            Tell the butterflies in your belly to calm down.

What do you do as you walk up the stairs to the room where all the children are laughing and singing?

            Tell the butterflies in your belly that you really were quite serious. 

What do you do when two of the little faces you have longed to see peak through the closed door and four of the little arms you have longed to grasp reach up to be held and two of the little voices you longed to hear call out with delight, “Mommy!  Daddy!”

            Cry.  Laugh.  Reach down and hold them.  Cover their heads with kisses.

What does an eleven year old girl do when she is filled with too many emotions all at once?

            Cry.

What do you do you find your little girl overwhelmed and crying?

            Kneel down beside her.  Open your arms as her caregiver slides her into your lap.  Bury her face in your dress.  Smother her with kisses and gentle words.  Tell her you love her.  Wipe the tears from her face and tell her Mommy is here. 

What do you do when she finally lifts her head to you?

            Look into her overwhelmed little face, introduce her to her daddy and brother and watch a small smile spread across her face.

What do when you look up to see the littlest one climbing on Daddy’s back all full of giggles?

            Catch Daddy’s eye and exchange a look of wonder and joy. 

What do you do when the middle one quietly slides up next to you? 

            Draw him closer and kiss the top of his head. 

What do you do when the oldest child jumps up with a giant grin and without hesitation grabs Reuben’s hand to show him around?

            Catch his eye and laugh at his amused/confused/astonished/excited expression then nod saying, “go on.”  Imagine that he must be trying to find a category for “sister" in his brain.

What do you do when you see two new brothers pouring over pictures together on the iphone? 

            Thank the LORD for mercy, grace, and budding new love.

           

What do you when they make beds up on the floor of your room just so we can all be together?

            Snuggle them as Daddy reads from the Jesus Story Bible.  Give them hugs and kisses.  Tell them you love them and that you are thankful for them.  Then do it all again, just because you can. 

What do you do when you finally crawl in bed after days of very little sleep and a roller coaster of emotions?

            SLEEP!

What do you do when first thing in the morning the smallest one climbs into your bed and lays her head on Daddy’s chest?

            Watch with wonder as a smile spreads across his face as he draws her close.

Arrived in Philippines!

August 6, 2013

There are words that must be spoken; not because of the ear they must reach, but because of the soul that cannot contain them…and that is mine.  I am not a powerful orator or great debater, but God has given me as the outlet for my soul the written word.  It is the stage on which I sing the endless mercies of Christ. It is the megaphone by which I get to proclaim the greatness of God.   It is temple court where I testify to what He has done.  It is sneaking away with my laptop to a quiet corner of the bathroom in Manila so as not to wake my jet-lagged husband and son because my soul would not be quieted or the tears silenced as I lay awake overwhelmed by God’s goodness and provision of Himself.  The written word for me is the gospel of grace in my life rising up and spilling out from my soul onto paper.   And so while my life prefers to hide in the quiet of my home, the gospel work that God has been doing from the beginning of time which He has folded me into, cannot be contained and so I will write as long as He gives me words. 

It is Tuesday morning in Manila, 6:30 or so I think.  This is the day that we have been waiting for these last four years.  Now if that doesn’t put a little pressure on ones expectations for a day, I don’t know what does.  Despite having very little sleep over the past two days, I found myself awake early mind racing over the day before me.  I confess, there was a great deal of fear and timidity in my heart accompanied by dismay that my heart so quickly forgets the sufficiency of Christ.  But as I laid my fears before Him one by one they vanished and as verse upon verse flooded my mind and swirled with worship lyrics deeply rising from within, the tears began.  His goodness is too much for me…its quite beyond words, even for me.  The LORD brought to mind a multitude of times and places where He proved to enough for when all else failed.  Suddenly this day wasn’t about me, my little family and my expectations for the day….it was about Christ!  He brought me to this day.  He ransomed my life unto a purpose.  He planned things for me before I was even born, this day being one of them.  He lavished grace on me, not so I could merely bask in it, but so that it could spill over into the lives of others.  Today for the first time in the flesh that will include Joann, Jhonel, and Joy!  Spilling and grace are both messy ideas.  Neither involves containment or control, so graciously God helped my hands let go of both this morning. 

I have begun to liken this adoption journey to skydiving.  For years now, we have been planning, preparing, reading the books, watching the videos, and interviewing expert skydivers.  In recent weeks we have packed our chutes, donned our gear, secured our helmets and scoped out the drop zone.  Well, it’s just about time to jump.  Our imaginations have run wild playing out the scenarios.  Will our chutes open smoothly or yank our breath away?  Will we relish the fall into grace or fight the out-of-control feeling altogether? Will we gaze in wonder and awe at the beauty around us or hurl headlong into a death spiral?  Probably yes to all of it. The certainty of this day rests not in the circumstances of it, but in the One who created it and has chosen it for us.  So, our outcome is already secure.  What is left to us is to believe what we cannot see….His hand sustaining us, and enjoy the wonder of His grace once again and live to tell about it.  See you on the ground!