Unplanned events

August 29, 2013

Have you ever had days that didn't go as you planned?  Dumb question.  Of course.  We all have days like that.  Most of mine don't go as planned....at least not plans made by me.  Proverbs 16:9 comes to mind saying, "The heart of a man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."  I'm not a bible scholar, but at the very least, I think that verse indicates that my plans and the LORD's plans for my life might not be the same.  Hmmm.  Wonder who is off in her planning....not the LORD.  Today was our forth day of homeschooling.  Yesterday was a colossal train wreck, but I'm as stubborn as any of my kids and far more determined when it comes to things of eternal value (like their little hearts).  So, we tried again today.  We still don't have all the cogs running smoothly, but today was much smoother than yesterday.

I had planned for my brother to come over to help one of them with math for an hour.  The plan was he would stay and watch the younger ones while the oldest helped me run errands.  The plan was Quest Lab, Walmart, Sam's Club, and a stop by Goodwill.  Then we would swing by the house to drop everything off before I had to run to a homeschool kick-off meeting.  Well, I went to empty everything out of the back of the Yukon to make room for all the groceries (did I mention my kids can plow through the food?).  Anyways, in the chaos of trying to head out, I grabbed the tail-gate of the Yukon to close it and gave it a hard pull, bringing the corner of it down into my head!  Oh yes!  I punctured my own head!  I knew it had gone deep and my sister encouraged me to go in.  "We'll see," I thought.  I'm not sure what I was waiting to see about, but I blotted up the blood, through some frozen peas under a baseball cap and went off to do my errands.  What was the alternative?  Take all seven kids to run errands tomorrow when I didn't have a sitter.  NO WAY!

Well, 3 out of the 4 errands later, the frozen peas in my hat were now cooked peas thanks to my internal body temperature and the 99 degree weather and beating sun outside.  My head was throbbing and my husband was urging me to get it checked out.  Ok.

You have to love it when you are sitting on a table in urgent care and the doctor walks in and asks you how you are.  "Well... I'm here," was my reply.  A couple of stitches and a tetanus shot later, I was headed off to my meeting, one Sam's club run short of my well-planned day.  No one noticed the hat covering my stitches and bloody, iodine-soaked, ointment laden hair.  I laughed with some other moms about the dramas of homeschooling, vented to one about my crazy afternoon and headed to the car to find a tire very low.  Once upon I time I carried a tire gauge in my car, like before children.  I'm sure they ran off with it to use as a weapon, thermometer, or nose picker.  So, I'm in the gas station and the term tire gauge is totally escaping me.  So, I pitifully ask where i can find "one of those tire-pressure-checker-things".  No I'm not blond.  No, I'm not really a dumb woman.  Yes I did suffer a severe blow to the head.  Yes, I am helping to educated the next generation.  I actually started laughing because I knew how silly I sounded.

I filled the tires, enjoyed a late dinner of nachos and an orange cream slushy and pondered my day as I drove home.  It wasn't really what I had planned, but my heart was actually pretty okay about it.  My head still hurt, and I still had to figure out a way to get to Sam's club without seven children, but my world was still spinning pretty beautifully.  A thousand gifts for which to be thankful started flooding my mind as I drove.  Quiet and peace in the car.  Money for dinner.  No allergies that keep me from enjoying nachos and a slushy.  Modern medicine.  Air conditioning.  Friends that understand the craziness of life and laugh with you.  The fact that I smashed my own head and not one of the children's. A husband who loves me, and tells me to see the doctor when I'm being stubborn (even if he did laugh when he first learned how it happened). Ibuprofen for headaches.  An awesome bed to crawl into.  Shampoo that will get the yuck out of my hair.  A brother that helps care for my kids.  A sister that digs for frozen peas in my freezer while I mutter under my breath about how much my head hurts.  Living in a country where you can still (for now) the medical care you need.  Freedom that allows the medical assistant at urgent care to wear a WWJD bracelet and have forgiven tattooed on his arm.  This wasn't one of the mental exercises striving to get my heart into a good place, although I do that too sometimes.  It was just a giant measure of grace the LORD granted me tonight.  Thankfulness, what a gift!  Then I recalled what I had read this morning.  Six things that are true of those who are in Christ.

I am:
1. given grace before the world was created
2. chosen by God before Creation
3.  loved by God with an inseparable love
4. redeemed and forgiven for all my sins
5.  justified before God and the righteousness of God in Christ is imputed to me
6. a new creation and a son of God.  

None of those things were part of "my" plan, but they were God's plan for me and beyond what I would have know or been able to ask for. So, when it comes to plans, His are infinitely better than mine, even if His include head injuries or whiny children, or late night stops to put air in tires.  His blessings are better than I could ask for too.  I specifically asked the LORD this morning to help me understand what I was reading as I groggily tried to digest the deep, rich devotional app on my phone.  I was thinking that would look like instant understanding, but it rather took the shape of sweet, meaningful reflections late at night after a day of unplanned events.

Heart Tending

August 20, 2013

Tending.  What do you think of?  Gardens?  Sheep?  Children?  For me, its children these days, and many, many more to come….days that is.  I tried tending a garden.  The children now call it “the weed patch”.   I like gardening.  When you plant something, it stays where you put it.  Children don’t.  Plants don’t make noise.  Children do….lots of it.  Plants have a fairly predictable growing season.  The only thing predictable about children is their unpredictability.  They are noisy and obnoxious one minute, then sweet and tender the next.  Often they are best friends with each other one day then worst enemies the next.  Gardening requires a limited number of tools and skills.  Children require everything you have, things you couldn’t think to ask for and then some.  From planting to fruit, most plants require a few months at most.  For children, I think it’s a lifetime.   Plants don’t get jealous of each other; children do and can be quite vocal about it. Gardening is seasonal, there is always the off-season when the soil rests.  Childrearing is year round….no rest for anyone.   

I’ve never tried tending sheep.  Tending children many days feels like what I would imagine tending chickens might be like.  In the Bible, and I suppose real life, sheep follow the voice of the their shepherd.  Children do not.  I don’t think chickens do either.  I’ve heard that sheep follow each other, sometimes to foolish places.  Children do too.  Today it was Peter following two of the older ones down the street who were following our disobedient dog.  Thankfully they didn’t get too far.  Sheep are not considered the brightest creatures.  Sometimes, I’m not sure children are either.  In the childhood Bible pictures, sheep neatly and quietly chew on grass and lap water peacefully.  Mealtimes with children are anything but quiet and peaceful.  Did I mention messy?  I don’t think chickens are very quiet, neat or peaceful either. 

Plants and sheep (as well as chickens) were made by God for His glory, but not in His image.  Children are.    Tending to children goes far beyond meeting physical needs and raising them to be well-adjusted, responsible members of society (as if that weren’t difficult enough).  What really needs tending in children (and Mommies and Daddies) are their hearts.  So, we don’t tell them not to yell, hit, lie, tattle, take, or sass because those behaviors are socially unacceptable or even displeasing to God, although they are.  We stop and address the yelling, hitting, lying, tattling, taking and sassing because those things reveal a heart that doesn’t believe the gospel.  Those abhorrent behaviors are just symptoms of hearts that need Jesus in deep, daily, real ways.  So that is the real work God has given mommies and daddies:  heart tending.  It requires much more time, effort and energy than gardening and is far less measurable than tending sheep.  It is where the gospel should be flowing freely among very needy people.  We just need Jesus.  We all do, but children, especially lots of them together, are really good at helping us see our neediness and theirs.  Jesus is a really patient Savior to both unruly children and their parents, and  His mercy towards us all never runs out!  So in that reality I will rest tonight, because the chickens…uh children will rise early.  J

Sleep

August 14, 2013      

Sleep.  Never before have I known how good sleep could be.  I’ve pulled all-nighters in college, delivered babies, kept crazy hours with babies, worked like a dog, poured myself out in countless ways depriving me of sleep, but these recent days take the cake.  Being in week two of very interrupted sleep and jet-lag going both directions, emotions all over the place and most recently sleepless children at night, I finally hit the wall yesterday.  I knew it would be a long day when I woke up exhausted, but it actually only got worse.  The kids were gems, which was a total gift.  Even a brief nap while kids watched a cartoon didn’t do much in the course of the day.  I think I may have fallen asleep briefly while standing up with my head on the counter.  The world became foggier and foggier as the day went on.  By mid-afternoon my body just started shutting down.  My stomach was churning, things were starting to spin.  I was freezing cold and couldn’t stop shaking or get warm.  The kids were getting concerned.  I didn’t know being tired could be so bad.  I finally called my little brother Joe.  I’m not sure I even got through my question asking if he could come over.  He heard my voice and the tears and replied that he would be right over.  How relieved I was when he walked in the house!  The kids jumped all over him with delight and I collapsed into a puddle.  Not sure I ever imagined my kid brother coming to my rescue all those years ago when I was caring for him, but rescue me he did.  Thanks brother.  Couldn’t have survived without you.  With his help we made it through the rest of the night and I crashed as soon as the kids were sleeping.  Thank you all for your prayers.  I only had one kiddo come down in the middle of the night and he went back to sleep without too much difficulty.  It was the first great night of sleep I’ve had in several weeks.  I didn’t know how much we were created to need sleep and just what a lack of it can do to you.  I think need is like that.  We have needs, but as long as they are met, we don’t think much of them.  Its not until we are lacking….and often lacking in a serious way do we realize just what dependent, needy creatures we are.  I wasn’t relishing the moments yesterday as the day passed in a fog, but there is something really beautiful about coming face to face with your deep need.  And that is coming face to face with the great need-meeter.  Perhaps it’s easy to say because I did get a good night of sleep finally, but there were a thousand graces throughout the day that He granted before the sleep ever came.  I’m not promised sleep tonight, but I am thankful for that which He gave me last night and will trust that He knows exactly what I need better than I do.  Today passed with much less difficulty and even some fun and challenging moments that required me to engage in a way I couldn’t have yesterday.  The older boys began building a bike trail in the woods with Mommy’s help a bit.  We met some of the family at a playground, went for a bike ride, tried our skills at some chores (went quite well actually), navigated our first sister fight (girls sure are different than boys), tried a couple games, and worked through some jealously issues (between 3 of the 7 over time with the dog…who knew a goofy pup could be such a hot commodity).   Anyways, we are wrapping up another day and tentatively heading to bed uncertain of how much sleep we will get, but trusting the LORD for everything we need.  

Home

August 12, 2013

Home.  What a wonderful word.  What a wonderful place.  What meaning one word can hold!  How good it feels to be home and finally together as a family.  It’s kind of overwhelming.  I can’t tell you how many times in the last thirty-six hours I have spontaneously burst out laughing or crying or a weird combination of both.  How full our lives and home have become.  The funny thing is how normal it actually feels.  We are home and it feels like we just kind of fit.  Its like this is where they have always belonged and we have all known it all along and now they are here and its just fits.  I don’t know what I thought it would be like, but it’s not weird or awkward or foreign.  Its home….they are home…we are all home, finally!  Yes, I am bawling as I write.  Have you ever been overwhelmed by God’s completely underserved kindness and gentle love?  Overwhelmed….like where maybe you might stop breathing, or your soul might actually explode from unexpected joy?  That’s me tonight!  God is good.  He is always good.  He has always been good.  I came to know that goodness, though, in the dark valleys of my life.  I came to crave that goodness and nearness of His love that I found in those wrenching hard places of my journey.  In many ways I think I even grew suspect of claims of God’s goodness amidst sunshine because I guess I supposed it was just being confused with pleasure over one’s circumstances.  Sure it’s easy to be happy when things are good, I thought.  But, to know joy in sorrow is so much deeper and real because it’s where you have nothing but Jesus to be filled with and He is so much more satisfying than any fleeting pleasure.  And, He is!  But I have found much to my soul’s delight and awe how sweet His sunshine on my face feels.  Its so undeserved….so unexpected yet so His nature and a piece I haven’t known so deeply.  It’s a place where “thank you” is so inadequate, so insufficient.  So I just sit here sobbing and laughing tears streaming down my face in absolute delight.  Jesus is enough and will be again on darker days, but today I’m overcome by the sunshine poured out in my life.  I asked God to deal gently with me on this road, but I never expected this.  It’s more than I could have imagined.  I told Paul the other day, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop….and realized how twisted my concept of God is.  It is as if I think He is in heaven just waiting for me to get too happy about something and then squash it out of me and remind me that He is the only One that can make me happy.  Wow, that sounds terrible.  It is terrible and while I know it’s not theologically correct, that’s really how I think sometimes.  So, maybe, that’s why the dark valleys are so comfortable to me, there’s not much to loose in a dark valley.  But, I think what I am coming to learn is that with Jesus there never is anything to loose.  If He is my everything, then, whether sunshine or darkness, I’m satisfied.  But, the piece of His nature that surprises me is to think that in my overwhelmed sobbing/laughing in worship over His kindness and gentleness towards me, He might just be laughing too, pleased for me know Him in this way.          

Surrender

August 10, 2013

There was significant moment today that is probably just the first of many of its kind.  Actually, it was a series of interactions between Mommy and the littlest one.  She is a bundle of energy and giggles and is quite determined to have as much fun as possible.  At one point today, Mommy interfered with that fun which set off a small chain of interactions in which she came to ignore me altogether.  None of the issues were big, but the pattern was concerning.  I half hoped it might blow over, but it didn’t and it became clear that we needed a little heart to heart.  After a series of time outs, assurances of my love, urging her to listen, obey and trust mommy, and making it clear that Mommy was in charge not Little One; her stubborn unresponsive head nodded that yes she would listen.  With that nod came a flood of tears as she buried her head in my shoulder and clung to me.  My tears followed and I just sat held my little girl who was searching desperately for a safe place, but trying so hard not to surrender.  How much that moment, or rather series of moments reminded me of myself.  What is the line from the Casting Crowns song?  "I’m trying so hard to stop trying so hard."  Surrender: such a difficult thing. 

I’m sure we are just entering what will likely be some difficult days ahead.  We leave our hotel at 4:00 tomorrow morning to start our long journey home.  From start to finish including all the layovers it will be about thirty hours of travel.  That is no small feat for anyone, but this will be undertaken by two tired parents and four equally emotionally spent children.  For three of them, they are leaving the only country they have ever known.  Emotions run deep, but children rarely have the words to articulate them.  We would especially ask for your prayers over these next two days as we journey home.  Pray for our hearts, transitions, travel time, rest, relationship with one another, sensitivity to each other, dependence of Christ and surrender to all that He has in store for us.  He has been so gentle with us, thus far in our journey and we trust Him for tomorrow as we ask for continued mercies.  Thank you all for your love.  

Goodbye

August 9, 2013

Goodbye.  One simple word that we say a hundred times a day in one way or another.  Yet, it is a word with so much potential emotion that we rarely feel.  Our kids and everyone around them felt the full weight of goodbye on Thursday morning.  The staff who found them, loved them, protected them, raised them, and nurtured them as well as any parent would finally came to the day they all had prayed for; a day to let them go.  The other children at the orphanage who had shared life in everyway imaginable with our kids and come to love them as brothers and sisters, had to give their tearful hugs and wave goodbye from the gate without any guarantee of seeing one another again.  It was a rich, beautiful, difficult morning.  We cry when we feel the loss of something dear.  We cry when we have been loved deeply.  We cry because we were not made for a world that requires goodbyes and our hearts ache for a permanent resting place.  Tears are a gift and great reminder that this world is not our home and that our relationships here are only a dim reflection of what we will one day find in Christ himself.  But, while we live here we do cry as many did Thursday morning.   The eldest cried quietly to herself staring out the window of the van.  The middle didn’t say a word but silently lay across the back seat of the van and the youngest chatted and giggled wondering why everyone was crying.  (It did provide a bit of levity amidst all the goodbyes.)  To all those who have been part of the last three years of caring for our children:  Thank You!  In the short time we have spent with them it is so obvious how deeply they have been loved.  They are so full of life, energy, ideas, and laughter.  There has been so much healing that has taken place at your hands and I cannot thank you, staff from the orphanage, for all that you poured into our kids.  Where one might expect to see fear and bitterness in these kids, I find only a desire to be loved and a great capacity for loving!  The verse from 1 John 4 comes to mind about perfect love casting out fear….and you all have done that so well.  You love well, not just because you are great at caring for kids (which you are), but because you love the children in your care with the love of Christ and that changes hearts and lives.  Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!  May God give you strength and wisdom as you continue to pour out that same love on those who remain in your care and all the little ones yet to enter your doors.  Our prayers are with you!